Fantasies of Childlessness

Only one more day before my son Amaru arrives from Chile. For this last day I had to myself, I had planned to go to Manhattan and visit the MoMA, I hadn't been able to unrushedly appreciate the photography exhibits and that Pollock painting I like so much. I also planned to run a few errands and finish the night with dinner and a movie by myself. But this morning when I woke up, my apartment drenched with the beautiful light from the morning sun, I preferred to stay in and do a share of uneventful things. I made myself a nice frothy cup of café con leche, watched a bad bollywood-esque movie with my friends who were visiting, and have spent the rest of my afternoon downloading music by Sui Generis. I allowed myself to enjoy the simple joy of being home.

Part of the way I cope with being a single mother is by not allowing my life to become stagnant and awash of meaningful experiences; I put such a conscious effort into not neglecting my inner nourishment that it often feels like I am obsessively pushing myself to go out, to learn things, to fill every available minute of my time with a flurry of activity. This obsession of mine comes with a great deal of fantasizing about how my life would be if I wasn't so busy all the time, how much better I would look If I was rested, how many more things I would do if I was childless.

I was able to inhabit my fantasy now that my son was away for a month visiting his grandparents, and like any fantasy when fulfilled, mine lost part of its charm. Yes, I rested, went out as I pleased, and didn't have to worry about anyone else but myself. But I also realized that I am not any stronger or fulfilled by having all this time for myself. I missed my son so terribly. I started to recall how good it felt to wake up next to him in a winter morning; how delicious he smells after taking a bath; the happiness he infuses in my life with his innocent joy and his Chilean accent; the feeling of family love I experience when its just me and him, making pancakes and watching movies, enjoying the comfort of our home.

Fantasies supply a valuable yearning, a saudade necessary to keep us connected to the feeling of being human; but, when fulfilled, they also remind us of how perfect our lives already are.